wow 19years old, i feel damn damn old but i know im actually still kinda young sigh, its not as if i have been through ordeals after life changing ordeals in my life, i havent experience earthquake, i havent been trapped in a life for days, i havent been bitten by a radioactive spider (yea i really regret that). its just that after 18 years of juvenile fun, irresponsibility, disobedience and countless other wayward habits, i've really come to think its time to grow up or something? its when i have such important choices to make and such feelings to answer to that i really kinda start thinking man. what do i want for my future, how badly i want to work for it, whether i wanna continue with polo, whether im still in love with it for that matter. i realize over so many past thoughtful months that maybe, just MAYBE i dont love it as much as i think i do, sure i love the happy parts where we train and we laugh and are happy about it, yea i really really loved that, i love the part where im held in high regard by my juniors and peers and that i could play and joke in the most carefree manner, yea i really really loved that too. i hate being scolded, i hate being seen as a burden, i hate being the one thats at fault, i hate being average or below. maybe im just suited for the amateur level gaming after all, maybe i fell in love with friendship, success and respect and that it would have been the same whichever sport i joined. maybe i forced this love of the game into my mind so that i could escape whatever problem reality presents (and thats a motherfucking lot btw). i really hope not, i wanna assure myself deep down inside that i love this game, i play because i want to be the best, because i like winning, i dont know yet, but only time can tell. in the mean time, i would love to continue escaping reality first haha.

i need to sleep. i need to train. i need to get my thinking sought out.