generally havent been typing long posts cause life has been overwhelming recently with my missionary (hehe) trips to afghanistan, my training camp with david beckham, my holiday in korea hosted by snsd ... oh and not forgetting, quitting school because i won the lottery. unfortunately, nope, but in some sort of a weird way, i like life the way it is now although one might not be convinced considering the amount of whining im going to be doing.

yup the usual polo stuff. the bad weeks come and go, and so do the good weeks. just happened to be one of those bad weeks now. but the real problem is that there isnt that many weeks left, im flying off in 32 weeks to probably fulfil a dream ihaveneverthoughpossibleuntilrecentyears and im so afraid to fuck it up. sadly, on top of that, there are things i want very badly too so im really putting alot on the line. Looking back, it seems that the more you improve, the more you want, the more you dare to dream, the more afraid you become, the more hesitant you become and the more you think about things that belong outside of the pool. Ive always though that i was carefree enough to leave it all behind, to be the one of the many who couldnt care less and just want to play his game. For a while, it worked, and then slowly, gradually, when ambition, ego, pride and the other useless things (ok ambition isnt THAT useless) start intruding the most fundamental concentration on the basics, shit starts to happen. I lost track of when it happened but i realized recently, when did i start becoming more afraid of what others think of the way i play and the mistakes i make than the mistakes themselves. When did i start wanting recognition for my own ambition and ego instead of the past when i just wanted it to know im doing the right thing to improve my polo. When have i started feeling so much pressure to outdo others when all along i know the most important person to outdo is myself.  when have i stopped using punctuation marks and started using fullstop to replace question marks. More important  than recognizing all these, i realized these are things i probably cant change tomorrow even if i recognize these problems today. thats exactly how far i've diverged off the route i used to march so proudly upon. maybe its because im feeling actual pressure as compared to being an underdog then, or its because i;ve just grown big headed or an array of other things, but i know that that isnt how i want to be. i can only pray that it gets better.

on top of that, ive grown so tired of feeling this sadness everytime i sense the same nostalgic feeling. or rather, this glimpse into the past. Its so easy for anyone to just wallow and be submerged into that alternative reality where all  the "what ifs" and "what nots" happened. and yes it pains me everytime i feel that in you, (and no kids, you cannot begin a sentence with and), and the most exasperating part is when i know i have no right to stop these things and that i have no right to demand otherwise. its tiring to always feel shitty and even more tiring to always feel shitty AND always be in the wrong, i've lived that for a long time already and i really thought that i could finally let my feelings live in the light of the day instead of letting them wallow in the shadows of the lonely night in bed. hate it that the mottos i like to spout out occasionally cant apply to me now, because now i have something i cant accept and at the same time, cant change. i've really thrown away the past for all these but maybe its too much to expect the same. after all, reciprocation and i have never really seen eye to eye.

really, just one of those days i want to just be in a game with someone i hate or someone who looks like that person i hate and just let it all loose. but again, with the way ive been playing today, maybe i might lose