sometimes i surf the blogs of random friends to seek inspiration. then occasionally after that i'll be able to come up with a wordy post that makes some sense.

so sooooo tough. i must say im a spoilt kid, i really hate the feeling of receiving any less than i give. polo wise, studies wise (heh although i think down here sometimes i get more than what i deserve but hey who complains about that) or in any other matter. here i am tonight in this state that i've dubbed "the hole" named after the circular void to infinite space in looney tunes cartoons. because well, it is an infinite void somewhere inside me that i think will never be filled somehow. and when in the hole, i do absurdly stupid things that sometimes i really regret in the morning. reading old stuff and going through old websites.. god, what the fuck is wrong with me.but i guess over the years, ive learned so much more about the hole. its just a state that i get conditioned into getting used to. but right now tonight, its killing me. not sure if all these shitty thoughts just come in all of a sudden or it has been these small random events of random parts of my life piecing together to drag me so deep down into the hole. 

summer has been ok so far i guess. but my dad has been nagging me to do things with my summer. hateeee nagging. but then i look at people i know (ah fuck my thoughts are going back to the same person again) and i realized how unfulfilling my life is going to be this summer if i carry on like this. 

training this week has been fucking killer =(((((( well it could have been worse though so i guess i'll take what i can get. it could have been fucking killer plus bad form. but gotta be happy its fine this week. persevere persevere! just 76123189051234 week more to go!

i wanna know you again