it burns. it hurts. i know i said that the morning after is the toughest. but it seems that the night after is even tougher than that. i'll do anything just to escape the loneliness of the night. i hate lying in bed, thinking, reminiscing, just letting my negatively creative juice flow. im great in the day i guess, i can smile i can laugh i can play polo, abit distracted by this sadness but i make my way through still. making others laugh and smile has always been a thing for me i guess, mistaking their shortlived happiness as a form of my own. makes me think that things arent that bad. but its the night that kills. the night suffocates the life out of me. in this foreign country of kuwait (which i hope i can one day get down to blogging about cause things have just been happening so fast), the night  would just be made more terrible. i dont want to wake up to tear stained pillows either. I rather force myself into my 3 hour day nap to escape the night. i rather be up on the internet all night than suffer in the void between reality and sleep. i want to smile forever and keep the demons where they belong. deep down inside.

i dont know what to say here. but honestly i would like to type a huge chunk about love and great moments to signify some sort of closure. but i know the tears will flow when i type and i dont really want that. so thanks for the memories.

on an unrelated note, i dont know how much more i have to give to achieve my dreams. maybe that medal will feel so much more solid when its been grasped with tears, blood and sweat. tears of the heart, blood of the wounds and sweat of the body. as much as i enjoy this journey, sometimes i fantasize about the fastforward straight to the end.

and yup happy mothers day