its so much easier to look at the world through the eyes as a player. calm and calculating but never really affected my emotion. it aint simple, you gotta read what he wants to do and what he might do and how to exploit whatever weakness you find and cover the weaknessess about yourself that you already know. but its still so much easier, you dont give a shit what he thinks about you, your job is to make him hate you as much as possible and better still if you could keep yourself unnoticeable, its much easier then life when you wanna give differenet impressions to different people and where at times you wanna be invisible, you want to be standing out for certain people too. in life, you got to give a shit about everybody's feelings, not too harsh here or this dood will cry etc, in the game, all you have to do is winning. winning is right, anything that attributes to it is consequently right too. easy aint it. i realized that without this, i would probably have gone mad, its probably how i manage to keep my behavious decent in normal life (and yes that is considered decent for me), it keeps me from jumping around hyperactively (more so than usual), at times it keeps me from banging my head on the wall, it keeps me too tired for stupid thoughts of all sorts and it teaches me to slowly analyze stuff and think of everything in a win and lose situation where the only right answer is winning. it helps i guess, at times, when you stop being a person but a player, keeps you grounded and its a wonderful excuse for the most fucked up stuff i do haha. i never thought i would say this but sometimes, i realize i really hate interacting with people, maybe im finally going through the lone wolf phase everyone seems to go through (yea i mature at a much slower pace, i hope that means i die later too). i simply cant lie to myself and i dont want to lie to anyone, i rather keep a distance than hurt myself any further, i can probably keep this distance forever with only my will faltering occasionally, but maybe maybe when theres further proof that a asteroid in a giant jolly face shape is going to fuck earth for good on 21st december, i might muster up some courage on the 20th. or maybe if i develop a super mega terminal virus that says that i will die within a few hours, i would.