Actually, pretty sure no one reads this now. So im just writing here so that five years down the road, i might be able to read back and kind of know what was going on in my life during certain points of time.

Just torn these days among the one million things that are on my mind. August has been a good month, but also quite an emotionally crazy one for me.

1) Dylan's passing was abit crazy for me, makes me think so much more than i'm used to. Questions like where have my life been leading up to, where is it going, who will be there.. they just pop up when shit like that happens.
         a) I learnt to step off my moral pedestal, especially when it is someone else's life at stake
         b) I learnt to treasure people around. overused cliche i'm sure, but its true, instead of just saying "lets catch up soon", I start making actual plans the time I start saying "lets catch up soon"
         c) I should really start doing things that make me happy instead of things that directs me towards the materialistic comfort zone our society (and the crazy rich asian mindset) has been drilling into our skulls via tools in the form of certificates.

2) Watching Crazy Rich Asians. It was seriously a wonderful movie no doubt, budget abit low for a  movie with such an ambitious title. I digress though. The wedding scene when elvis' cant help falling in love started playing got me a tad choked up. I dont have any emotional attachment to S anymore, but it was the song we agreed to use at our wedding and the hauntingly beautiful rendition used in the show by Kina Grannis was everything I envisioned for that fateful day that exists in a parallel universe by now.

3) Watching my first major games as a spectator at home as my brothers battle it out in Indonesia. its been a long time since that happened. in fact, its the first major games i actually watched because back then I wasnt really following the national team and their endeavors. It draws out the raw emotion in me somehow. I don't think its sadness or anything, but its just emotions. As an analogy, if emotions were chakra from the Naruto series, anger, sadness, happiness would just represent different elemental chakra. What i felt was just pure unfiltered emotions as I trained with them, interacted with them, wished them, sent them off, watched them played, and although undeservingly so, mourned their loss with them. Kinda represents a change of a phase for me. honestly very undecided about my sporting future right now but its beside the point of this post.

Moving on to the actual point.. i guess my aim was always to propose to S upon my return from Asian Games. Said return is due for this coming sunday when my friends return. Of course, i know that has been long made impossible by both of us, neither do i want it to happen anymore. but I realize that if things had went right for us, i would actually have been proposing in 5 days time. And that boggles me how my life has changed so much.

ok and thats it for August. Still some points i have in mind and all. J is an awesome person, sweet, cute, things that many people would have. but sometimes, i feel that whatever shes getting from me is just not the best version of me. of course I think i'm more matured than i ever have been (in some ways i guess haha) but in another way, I dont think I'm giving her my all. As much as i think this is just me now, but i felt that back then when i was with S, i really gave all my emotions into it, I wasnt perfect, but i did give it. And somehow right now with J, i'm trying to muster what I can but it doesnt seem to come out. Said raw emotion mentioned above just doesnt come out of me anymore like it used to. It did with S, but I don't think it really have surface in such intensity and volume since then.

Doubt anyone will be reading this by now and I dont really care. Abit refreshing to know no one reads it though, So i can type without thinking of who i might offend. In fact, if you DO read it, don't let me know, it will be easier for unfiltered content.