March had been... negative at best, probably the correct word to describe it would be pure and simple chaos. A world torn asunder not by an idiot eating a bat but by egocentric, conceited and delusional people in leadership positions, wielding power and influence too great for their tiny heads.

Yes, bat(eating)man is an idiot for doing it, get over it. He wasnt raised in a blue collared class society, maybe not even middle class. He didn't graduate from an Ivy League school. His crime, assuming we dont consider eating weird shit a crime, was just not knowing any better. However, on the other end of the spectrum, there ARE people who were born, bred, and most importantly, equipped to lead the voices of people and to influence their thoughts. OR so we thought. Not claiming to know the details better than anyone else, from my perspective, it seems to be that what made batman's mistake so fucking exacerbated is a top-down allstar cast of douchebags from country leaders hiding figures and suppressing crucial information flow, to country leaders deluding themselves about the impact of this virus, to religious leaders who mistook faith for immortality, to educated people attending concerts and other stupid gathering (smurf parade lol) of overwhelming proportions. I try not to blame those with no choice but to put themselves into said socially risky situations and those who simply aren't well-informed enough or educated enough to know better about their actions. But the others, those that so selfishly place their economic, political, social and personal benefits above that of the rest of the world.

so yes its tough to keep a positive outlook with covid ravaging the world like in plague inc. Personally, for the things I am vested in, the sky still seems bleakishly grey as of now. Plummeting stock markets, coaching cancellations, starting my new job at Linkedin with video conferences.. but what I do try is to remember that I am already in a much luckier position than many others in all these situations, including having not been as invested in the stock market as many, many others and just to learn to count my blessings.

Managed to complete my March book. SEO 2020. An interesting (but a tad dry) book on an area of knowledge I have never been much good at. Yes there were some jargons and excessive use of abbreviations that did limit by productivity in reading the book but overall, yes, I did learn quite a bit from the book. Like how increasing links to your page from other pages, bounce rate (entering and leaving your page immediately), mobile friendliness, snippets formatting, open graphs, and even good proper english writing are all part of what optimizes your page getting priority on Google whereas in the past, I thought it was all about paid ads and page traffic. Quite alot of quick tips to boost in page traffic too, really excited to implement them into Direcc.

Learnt a pretty good lesson this month too. wouldnt say its the most productive or beneficial lesson I've learnt that would pave my way with economic or educational progress, but simply put, its a lesson that I needed to sleep better at night. For the longest time, a certain aspect about my interactions with some people I care about really really bugged me, to the point of the uncertainty eating away at my waking thoughts. Nowhere near depression levels, but enough to make me toss and turn in bed and make my morning at work madness.

So basically, I treat almost all close relationships (including friendships) abit too seriously (or emotionally clingy would be a decent description too) and I've always been hit hard by the fact that people seemingly didn't see it the same way even though all the times, words, texts, and other cues have all led to the understanding that said person, is in fact, as vested in this relationship. I constantly get puzzled why these people who used to be pillars (big or small) in my life just dont see the need to put in their all to retain, maintain, fix, or even to rebuild certain relationships when its required. "Isnt this important to you?"."Why isnt this important to you?""why wont you try.. for us/the good times/our happiness?""why would you do so and so despicable thing (hello my toh friend)?". It happened often enough that I realize i stop missing the person cause I cant force anyone who doesnt want to be there to be there but rather, I started getting fucking affected by my feelings of authenticity and sincerity in relationships. I questioned alot about why others wont fight as hard to keep things we have in a relationship.

I am no saint of course and I have done plenty of fuckups in my life, to those that I didnt really deemed that mattered, I'm sorry but not really.. but to those that I really gave a shit about, I try to make things right. Of course, it might still not work as well but the thing is, a shit load of effort went into trying to make it right and if it doesnt go right.. then it just means that its a consequence I have to accept. Hence I just couldnt accept it when someone who seemingly was vested in the same relationship, would give it up, or let it go at the slightest notice. Giving up and letting go in the form of fucking up, changing sides, running at the slightest obstacle, or just not wanting to fix things that went wrong. The contradiction of such things really vexes me like a hangover that refuses to go away even at 4pm the next day. I deem myself a pretty good judge of emotions and character even if i dont make the best decisions in life, and when my judgements contradict so jarringly with their actions (or lack thereof), it bites at me. To simplify it, what bites at me, and keeps me tossing and turning in bed and exclaiming vulgarities while driving alone is pure and simple.. contradiction. Ok, maybe not so simple, but rather contradiction between my judgement, promises, emotional investments.... and reality.

After the latest one in recent years, I really sort to know more about my contradiction bed bites, and I delved deep into these thought sessions (while making more mistakes along the way) and it kind of culminated with a session with a good pal of mine.I guess the thoughts were all forming in that little cloud of a brain (cloud because its random and disorganized, not cause it has great storage haha) but I required a strong, logical, objective, and most importantly, trusted voice in this discussion. Also, it did come as an added bonus that the person was practically a brother to you throughout most of your adult life. We came up with the following conclusions:

1) What I do isn't normal
I find it normal to treat everything with so much emotional investment but at some point, I need to know that not everyone feels the same. Some people, in fact, alot of people, are wayyyyy, way more objective than me in thinking and its something I need to recognize. Me being the type of people who wants to befriend and retain friendships with everyone who was once part of my life might not be the best decision with toxic friends and exes. And also, its not something that that many people share, some people just choose to move on. Their objectivity of life guides their way, the facts guide them more than their hearts. If you have a function and a flaw, but they found someone with a function but not the flaw, then it would make objective sense to move on...

and most importantly..

2) Treasuring a relationship and moving on doesnt necessarily have to contradict
Aaaaaaaand here is the key (i hope) to my contradiction problems. I assumed that treasuring a relationship must be defined by fighting to protect it, to fix it, or blablabla but what is so logical to me I realize might not necessarily hold true to others. I learnt that yes, people move on, and also yes, when they move on, they will not be treasuring your relationships. BUT, it doesn't translate to them never having treasured your relationship. The judgement of my importance in their life could be true, and yet, still lead them to eventually move on without trying too much or putting up too much of a fight. This realization kind of returned hope to me that there is sincerity and genuity after all but at the same time, it also sobers me to the fact that expecting the same as what you give out is just something you hope for, but not expect.

With this understanding that how I think is not THAT logical and common and that moving on and relationships do not have to contradict, I hope that just abit by a bit, I can start coming to terms with all the failed relationships with people I had in my life.

Am I going to change though....? No, I don't think so, I like the way I care, at times excessively, and I like the passion I have for people. Am I going to change the way I think though...? Yes, definitely, in so many ways. To learn to manage expectations, to stop being surprised by people leaving, to learn that promises exist only as far as relationships do, but most importantly, to learn that you treasure those that stayed fiercely, as you would treasure life itself.

Maybe this one isnt considered by March reflection post yet, but after lunch with Sonia, I thought alot about things.

About how decisions made because of the fear of uncertainty are almost always shit decisions. Sounds like a no brainer I know, but the sad truth is, I think our lives (or my life) have been peppered with such decisions. Taking a course in university just because its not "Right" to be uncertain about what you want to do. Taking a leap with a significant other just because that state of uncertainty isnt "right". Even down to the minute details, like making a pass in a game simply because i'm uncertain with what to do. Much like in water polo, I guess taking a step back, making a calm decision or taking a delay in making that decision, is better than making a wrong decision. The more I think about it, the more it makes some sense to me, this analogy. A centreback distributing a pass in attack. Time in attack is ticking down and the defence is tight on his teammates. To get rid of the uncertainty of what to do with the ball in offense, he forces a pass to a teammate under heavy pressure and ended up going a goal down due to the resulting counter attack. Whereas, he could have just threw the ball to a corner and gave up that attack.

Similarly in life, that snap decision you make simply to get rid of your uncertainty is going to cost you more in the future even if it solves your split second need for certainty.

everyone leaves footprints in your life. but its pretty sad that for a thousand nicely shaped footprints, we probably wont remember 99% of them. But its the badly shaped, chaotic ones that leaves an impression and an indent in your memory.

feb 2020

ahhh what a month what a month.

First thing's first, finished the book on body language. ("definitive body language") or something like that and I guess it has been a tad useful. Though highly subjective, I realize i do see it quite often in real life. I cannot remember every single detail of course but just going to list them out in rough point form just for my own good

-Smiles. look out for the sincerity of a smile from the eyes and not the mouth
-Hands. Showing your palms our reflect sincerity whereas not showing them reveal a lack thereof
-Eye gestures. to look at someone sociably, focus on the triangle of his eyes and nose. To reflect superiority look at his forehead. to be flirtatious, look at his eyes and linger down in a sweeping motion. look at HER eyes oops
-Arms closed reveal lack in confidence. this can be in the form of crossed arms, or just doing small actions like adjusting glasses, fixing cufflinks. closed arms also reflect lack of buying into ideas.
-Legs and body reveal true intentions. People turning their bodies and legs towards other directions are a vital sign to what they are thinking about a situation. at the same time, hooked legs reveal a closed mindset
-Signs of deceit include touching their mouths. getting hot literally, causing them to fix their collars etc.
-perfect height for male female rs is 1.09m LOL.
-Height is a factor to express yourself. to shrink yourself in a situation you are wrong by lowering your head and showing your hands could get you into less trouble. Also, in a meeting, you can find a reason to stand up and walkaway and comeback and make a point while standing up still to bring your point across.
- sitting positions in a table are also important. sitting opposite takes a combative stance, directly beside is more intimate, while two sides of a corner is a perfect working space.

and so on and so forth. Just glad that I can actually recall so much on such short notice of typing this post.

Well Feb itself was... a month of some small changes I guess. mainly, me finally finding the balls to resign from PACE and of course, the good news that Linkedin made me an offer. So that was good. among other things this month, I feel this month's main lesson (yes im trying to make a main lesson a month now) is ... that someone will always be unhappy, its impossible to make everyone happy. ok this part is a given, but now for.. more. Its that happiness is subjective and that firstly, its already impossible to make everyone happy, and secondly, we shouldnt try to make people happy BY OUR DEFINITION. and only when I came across this revelation did I realize how so much unhappiness is caused by people trying to make each other happy in their own thoughts and ways. Including myself with friends, friend. My parents, imposing theirs on me. My parents yet again, imposing on each other. friend imposing on me. There's so much. and Third part of this lesson, I feel is, to have active communication about the meaning of happiness to the ones you are close with and to not let shit hit the fan first.

1. Its impossible to make everyone happy, someone will ALWAYS be unhappy
2. Happiness is a matter of definition, do think of it even as you try to make others happy
3. Active communication on the meaning of happiness with your loved ones. Not only when shit hit the fan.

For example. me wanting financial freedom, moving out will make me happy. but my parents........... definitely not so.