even getting a tattoo can cause some upset. really makes me wonder

 and everyday, i still wonder now, whether i am happy being here, being in this weird situation, knowing that my happiness will mean someone else's unhappiness. and my unhappiness is someone else's comfort.

the question is just how long more I can do this for. I think everyday that goes by, a little bit of me dies. And if we know the inevitable, then what the fuck are we doing

last asian games

 Took me a while to get down to actually typing this, almost thought I might just end up skipping over it, as with so many thoughts that I want to write down. 

I guess this one is just abit different, knowing that this is going to be my last Asian Games, and very possibly as well, my last international competition as well. For the sake of future reference, this is how the games went:

-whooped by japan as usual

-losing to hk 4-0 in the first quarter before we came back

-losing to kazhak

-close game with iran up to the third quarter before we lost

-win over thailand

-finally a win over Korea to wrap it up

This time round, I think I appreciated everything a little more. In 2014's Asian Games, I knew there were so many more ahead so I didnt really sit and let them all sink in. In 2017, I was just so damn ready to get that last SEA Games over and done with that I definitely didnt think so much of it. Also, I guess polo wise, I wasnt in the best place at all so things were abit different. This time round, I cant say I was super pleased with my polo but I guess it was going to be as good as it gets with the type of lifestyle I was leading. Definitely wasn't shooting or passing or defending my best in the leadup to the competition but what the heck. Turned out fine, didn't score that many but I scored the penalties I needed, passed better than I ever did, defended better than I ever did as well and that's enough. A cool part is that for some reason, maybe cause of age, I feel VERY calm through out the games and feel perfectly well emotionally. Well I digress, but this time, after so damn many years, we are here in 2023, in my last competition and in a good place to really appreciate everything. Every game, every moment there, I got to soak in them. 

That feeling of being in a game that's actually pretty closely contested is just so surreal after all these years, and even more surreal now that they are over. The excitement, the nerves, and staring into the eyes of your opponents, knowing that they feel the same. That feeling, knowing that everyone is equal in the pool; good plays, bad plays, mistakes, emotions, everyone has them and those that can truly master them will come out winning this close contest. The feeling of being on the bench and still trembling from fatigue and excitement, your legs shaking, tired, yet all you want to do is jump back in and get right back into it. Sadly, things are different from when I was young and the goals come rather scarce in comparison nowadays. But those moments, those important ones, that euphoria you feel after scoring and just releasing those unbridles emotions. priceless. There was a time when I was young and showboating after every goal but now, I just want to appreciate every play that leads to those goals.

The final game against Korea was pretty good. For some reason, I felt really fucking good that day, maybe its knowing all that 6-7 sessions a week is finally over. Maybe its knowing I can finally not hold back any bit of energy and go all out. Maybe its knowing we have a good shot. Either way, I went in really high on adrenaline. It was a good one to be honest, close contest all the way. Even when there was a VAR check that took the goal from us and gave one to them, so from one goal up to being one goal down. But the way we were going, I think we felt invincible, and even after that shitty call, we jumped right in and scored on the very next offence, from my pass to JJ no less (heh). It was great a game and honestly, I think we wanted it to go on for longer. But when it was over, something just came over me. I knew going into it, I wasnt going to cry if we lose, but I definitely didnt really prepare myself for if we had won. I dont really know why I cried, but I did. Kind of remembered that time I cried like the little boy I was when we lost against Korea in 2014, and it all just seem to came full circle and it just sorta leaked out. After the initial celebrations, I just sat on the platform for a while and soaked it all in, the crowds, the lights, the cheering, the post-match euphoria, the overwhelming emotions in me that told me that everything was worth it these past two years. I dont know if I will ever forget that feeling but for now, I can still remember it very clearly, just sitting down and lying with my back on the platform and just looking up into the lights and feeling everything physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hope I dont ever forget it but i know one day i will and maybe one day, just one day, I will come back and ready this and remember