ive had terrible nights but this one is abit different i guess. im just waiting here

Aaand it's this day of the year again. Becoming some sort of ritual

Training is so darn tiring but yet somehow I'm feeling more alive than ever. To be honest my life has been pretty plain and monotonous this holiday but it's training that brings a sparkle to my otherwise colorless life I guess.
Although i dont know my teammates as well as I used to know my jc teammates. I'm just really happy at the moment to have them in my life.

Terrible terrible day. Left home late and rushed for polo cause I woke up late. Didn't get to grab a bite since 7 pm last night wtf. Then it fuckin rained when I'm almost there wtffff. Ended up coming bukittimah to eat astons alone! And it's taking forever to come! Oh lord is this karma for taking the twenty cents coin in the vendin machine change compartment when it's not mine?

So much more to improve. Can't afford to stop till I'm perfect

just... let me play some good polo tomorrow

sometimes i surf the blogs of random friends to seek inspiration. then occasionally after that i'll be able to come up with a wordy post that makes some sense.

so sooooo tough. i must say im a spoilt kid, i really hate the feeling of receiving any less than i give. polo wise, studies wise (heh although i think down here sometimes i get more than what i deserve but hey who complains about that) or in any other matter. here i am tonight in this state that i've dubbed "the hole" named after the circular void to infinite space in looney tunes cartoons. because well, it is an infinite void somewhere inside me that i think will never be filled somehow. and when in the hole, i do absurdly stupid things that sometimes i really regret in the morning. reading old stuff and going through old websites.. god, what the fuck is wrong with me.but i guess over the years, ive learned so much more about the hole. its just a state that i get conditioned into getting used to. but right now tonight, its killing me. not sure if all these shitty thoughts just come in all of a sudden or it has been these small random events of random parts of my life piecing together to drag me so deep down into the hole. 

summer has been ok so far i guess. but my dad has been nagging me to do things with my summer. hateeee nagging. but then i look at people i know (ah fuck my thoughts are going back to the same person again) and i realized how unfulfilling my life is going to be this summer if i carry on like this. 

training this week has been fucking killer =(((((( well it could have been worse though so i guess i'll take what i can get. it could have been fucking killer plus bad form. but gotta be happy its fine this week. persevere persevere! just 76123189051234 week more to go!

i wanna know you again

hey bb, these words just seem so far away

great holiday. really took my mind off some stuff.

but its been a decent run of overseas experience i guess. 9 days in kuwait then a 16 hour stop over in singapore before i go krabi. wonder what else this summer has in stall for me. its just endless surprises, good or bad so far

Goodmorning bbbbbbbbbbb

its the worst at night. wouldnt you agree?

I would have really loved a Hobbes handmade toy :(

it burns. it hurts. i know i said that the morning after is the toughest. but it seems that the night after is even tougher than that. i'll do anything just to escape the loneliness of the night. i hate lying in bed, thinking, reminiscing, just letting my negatively creative juice flow. im great in the day i guess, i can smile i can laugh i can play polo, abit distracted by this sadness but i make my way through still. making others laugh and smile has always been a thing for me i guess, mistaking their shortlived happiness as a form of my own. makes me think that things arent that bad. but its the night that kills. the night suffocates the life out of me. in this foreign country of kuwait (which i hope i can one day get down to blogging about cause things have just been happening so fast), the night  would just be made more terrible. i dont want to wake up to tear stained pillows either. I rather force myself into my 3 hour day nap to escape the night. i rather be up on the internet all night than suffer in the void between reality and sleep. i want to smile forever and keep the demons where they belong. deep down inside.

i dont know what to say here. but honestly i would like to type a huge chunk about love and great moments to signify some sort of closure. but i know the tears will flow when i type and i dont really want that. so thanks for the memories.

on an unrelated note, i dont know how much more i have to give to achieve my dreams. maybe that medal will feel so much more solid when its been grasped with tears, blood and sweat. tears of the heart, blood of the wounds and sweat of the body. as much as i enjoy this journey, sometimes i fantasize about the fastforward straight to the end.

and yup happy mothers day

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life

I won't forget the doorway of this Kuwait room. So close to my teammates yet feeling so alone.

I won't forget the doorway of this Kuwait room. So close to my teammates yet feeling so alone.

Hey good morning. I don't know how I will survive this day

This.... Is all a mess

gripping me. tired, frustrated, annoyed and stifled but yet they are words that cant leave the mouth nor the mind

Im starting to miss those times when I want to improve simply to play a better game because I'm ashamed to say that my motivation for improvement now consists of a lunch chunk of competitiveness

Confidence is my specialty but now and then (especially today) I seem to lose it. I know the good week bad week concept of course, I've been through enough of them to be familiar with them. But it's just really scary when sometimes your tricks just don't work anymore, especially with a new deadline set in front of us, it's fucking pressurizing. I hate to admit but I think for once in a very long time, I'm kinda scared. I'm no longer young enough to afford to fail anymore I know, which probably accounts for a lot of this stress I'm getting. Please please come back confidence.

On a more technical note, been told my shooting was more effective during the Dubai period, trying to bring it back. My defense. Oh god my defense... Sigh more work more work more work. But can't deny that I've been very disappointed with my shooting recently though.