It's just not going to be the same without sammo going. How will my first sea games be perfect when the person who has put endless faith (possibly even more than myself) in me won't be there? Know that every goal I put in, they wouldn't exist if not for you

guess theres so much more to learn and so much more to change, but im looking forward to it i guess, to the end when everythings worth it. guess when i can finally put my pride aside, its really a first step

sometimes i really feel invisible. please dont take me for granted

Suddenly really missing the guys. Been so long

Ah really the good old times when I was still a retarded little kid hiding in the tv box and got effed damn bad for that. How far I've come. Hehe chuckle just to think of it

Same old same old. Just wanna shake this feeling

All these coverage on medias, abit paiseh leh but it also feels good I guess.

Really didn't think I'd become like this but I guess things changed when I met you

just 11 more days. calm the fuck down in games, i play best when im calm. just 11 more days

Long time since I blogged about polo stuff. Gotta disengage and reengage when caught in centerback position

Ah fuck this shit, really regret ever making myself so vulnerable

Really sick of always feeling depressed over that one fucking matter and one fucking person and feeling that memories of him are so fucking important.

Not going to pray to my grandma on her deathversary, better be studying tomorrow

Just disappear in everyway and anyway

I don't mind giving up everything I gave up. The past is the past and what is lost is lost. I want the future and I really don't know I can live with your version of it

I want to just ignore and pretend it's fine, I really want to. Just smile that silly smile that has more or less become a trademark look of mine. But really, it's not easy at all, I'm really scared it's a mistake and all but these are words I can't say in real life.

I wish that I can go back to the time when pool life and outside life are separate entities, I can just sink into the pool and every other problem will be gone. But it's too late for it now, my sanctuary is no longer mine, argh how did I ever let shit like this affect me i don't know. Fuck. What a time what a time. Fuck this fuck that fuck you fuck off. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Don't think too much. Just play, remember what I'm fighting for, don lose sight of the teams dream when searching for your own. Remember when it's all about passion.

So so so so damn tired these past weeks. Legs still shaking from last night omg. Realized I haven't skipped a single session for almost three weeks.

So tired but feeling really blessed

But it only hurts so much because I love so much

Just as well, no mood for starry tonight anyway. Might as well train

Don't know why you'll rather just see me suffer then to even try. How am I even supposed to accept you having albums that says sparks of love with someone else wtf. How am I supposed to know that you understand how and why I feel what I feel and will hate it the other way round and want me to accept it joyfully.

please please just give me someone with that face at nus open or something. not at sea games, too much at stake. just let me really unleash all this shit in me

really just asking you to put them somewhere where its out of sight and out of mind. i really dont understand the rationale either, to let your own mind wander to what was and what could have been all the time  you go through them? its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that move us along. i'll just do it for the sake of moving us along then.

Really can't tell if it's me being unreasonable or what

Feels like I'm a million miles away when he's in your head.

I think it's not that I'm not ready. I just need to know you really are

Aaaaaaaand here we go again

i guess as we grow older and get more experienced, we all start to shed that carefree attitude we once held when we were younger. whether its in the pool or out, the more burden and expectations we place on ourselves the more cautious we are and the more careful we are of mistakes. raw unbridled passion gets replaced by cold calculative cautions.

It seems like the better we get the more we expect of ourselves, not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing.

Damn do I have to worry and get jealous everytime :/

Now I know how scary is it to show your vulnerable side. A person should never be vulnerable

It tears my heart out sometimes but I'm not
Giving this up

fuck i dont even know why i try so hard sometimes

just one of those days. to get better.

it all starts with this cycle (i feel)

first, to get better for acceptance,
then, to get better for selection
then, to get better for competition
but i think one really transcends when he solely wants to get better for the sake of being a better player than he was yesterday purely out of passion. hope i can reach that one day

Don't ask me to act like how I feel when you don't want it when I do

And if it's really you haunting my life again. Please just vanish

My guessing really gets crazy when I really want to know something

probably just me again, expecting too much, expecting them too soon. really a sucker to think that i can always get people to feel the way i do.
gotta learn gotta learn, expect less and you get hurt less

generally havent been typing long posts cause life has been overwhelming recently with my missionary (hehe) trips to afghanistan, my training camp with david beckham, my holiday in korea hosted by snsd ... oh and not forgetting, quitting school because i won the lottery. unfortunately, nope, but in some sort of a weird way, i like life the way it is now although one might not be convinced considering the amount of whining im going to be doing.

yup the usual polo stuff. the bad weeks come and go, and so do the good weeks. just happened to be one of those bad weeks now. but the real problem is that there isnt that many weeks left, im flying off in 32 weeks to probably fulfil a dream ihaveneverthoughpossibleuntilrecentyears and im so afraid to fuck it up. sadly, on top of that, there are things i want very badly too so im really putting alot on the line. Looking back, it seems that the more you improve, the more you want, the more you dare to dream, the more afraid you become, the more hesitant you become and the more you think about things that belong outside of the pool. Ive always though that i was carefree enough to leave it all behind, to be the one of the many who couldnt care less and just want to play his game. For a while, it worked, and then slowly, gradually, when ambition, ego, pride and the other useless things (ok ambition isnt THAT useless) start intruding the most fundamental concentration on the basics, shit starts to happen. I lost track of when it happened but i realized recently, when did i start becoming more afraid of what others think of the way i play and the mistakes i make than the mistakes themselves. When did i start wanting recognition for my own ambition and ego instead of the past when i just wanted it to know im doing the right thing to improve my polo. When have i started feeling so much pressure to outdo others when all along i know the most important person to outdo is myself.  when have i stopped using punctuation marks and started using fullstop to replace question marks. More important  than recognizing all these, i realized these are things i probably cant change tomorrow even if i recognize these problems today. thats exactly how far i've diverged off the route i used to march so proudly upon. maybe its because im feeling actual pressure as compared to being an underdog then, or its because i;ve just grown big headed or an array of other things, but i know that that isnt how i want to be. i can only pray that it gets better.

on top of that, ive grown so tired of feeling this sadness everytime i sense the same nostalgic feeling. or rather, this glimpse into the past. Its so easy for anyone to just wallow and be submerged into that alternative reality where all  the "what ifs" and "what nots" happened. and yes it pains me everytime i feel that in you, (and no kids, you cannot begin a sentence with and), and the most exasperating part is when i know i have no right to stop these things and that i have no right to demand otherwise. its tiring to always feel shitty and even more tiring to always feel shitty AND always be in the wrong, i've lived that for a long time already and i really thought that i could finally let my feelings live in the light of the day instead of letting them wallow in the shadows of the lonely night in bed. hate it that the mottos i like to spout out occasionally cant apply to me now, because now i have something i cant accept and at the same time, cant change. i've really thrown away the past for all these but maybe its too much to expect the same. after all, reciprocation and i have never really seen eye to eye.

really, just one of those days i want to just be in a game with someone i hate or someone who looks like that person i hate and just let it all loose. but again, with the way ive been playing today, maybe i might lose

and all i can think of was, "not this fucking shit again" argh. turning out to be a terrible week

dont really feel anything about it anymore, just this niggling sadness i guess