Really should go back to where I belong in the pool shooting balls. I wasn't meant for a life outside of it

fucking memorable night last night, all the way till 7 phew.
first time i felt a hangover i think hehe

fucking fucking hate it but what can i do

guess i dont really have to talk about the crazy as hell haze because anybody in touch with any forms of media that involves singaporeans will probably know about anything and everything they need to know.

watched one of my first full nba game today and oh boy was it exciting.


argh and the fucking haze is killing the training rhythm! barely touched the water these few days, only once on tuesday and thats most definitely not freaking enough! feeling lethargic nowadays and really becoming a slob. used to save all the energy in the day to expend them all out at night, now im just saving them up for... nothing. ok maybe abit of dota, quite a bit of dota i might add hahaha. gosh how i miss polo. only when its gone do i realize how important it is. how it keeps my sanity and all that excess energy i have in check. and how it keeps my mind busy from the very real problems that actually exist outside the pool. I love to live under the delusion that the biggest problem i have in life is the distance i am from being the best player, but well these days of non training have made me realize.. ah yes there are ARE much bigger problems.

im living everyday as if im wearing one of those stupid masks my mum bought. suffocating. suffocating.

Sometimes I just can't help it but I really want to hear something nice. But yea I should have figured..

To have your heart a prisoner of your conscience.
To know how you feel Is wrong.
To know what you wish to say is wrong.
To know what you wish for is wrong.
To know what you want to hear is wrong. To know what you should do will kill you.
To know this will probably go nowhere.

sammo posted this quote from will smith
sometimes we need to be hurt in order to grow. we must lose in order to gain. sometimes some lessons are best learned through pain.

i really think we are super lucky to have sammo in the team. he probably has one of the most passion for waterpolo that ive ever seen. more than most players i know (doubt its more than me still though since i pride myself in said passion). haha thanks so much for having you in the team, i dont know what we would do without you honestly sammo.

that said, mock camp was fucking awesome, eccentric stuff, drama stuff, dirty stuff, lots of fun though.

but sometimes i really really really hate the weekends. ok almost all the time

Ah weekends, how I love them but hate them

aw heard one of the song i really liked back in army just now.
once upon a time i was falling in love, now im only falling apart
theres nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart
once upon a time there was light in my life, now im only falling apart
theres nothing i can say, a total eclipse of the heart

Grrrrrrr so fucking unalert!!!!!!! Gotta wake the fuck up, gotta be ready to support as much as be supported! Faster reaction and pay more attention even when tired!

just awake at 245am being glad that despite how the day went, it actually ended quite well. training was real tough as usual for a low intensity week but meh. survived it as usual. broke the ironclad rule of no phones in the gym today :O butttt i must say it was worth it heh. think it has been a long time since i actually post loong boring stuff about my day (partly influenced by the fact that my mum makes me rewrite my zhou ji in the past cause i do such stuffand it has traumatized me ) so i shall do it this time.

long day. slept at 3 am (getting quite common hmmm) and my dad woke me up at 8 for freaking breakfast (hope this isnt getting common). went back to sleep after breakfast. and if you think this is boring, the next few hours are gonna get worse. so bad we shall skip to 5pm. wanted to leave home at 5pm to go to the pool for early gym cause jizz said he doesnt mind. but nope, dad tricked me into going upstairs for a family value talk. ok by trick, i mean call my handphone and demanded i go up, using the word trick was just an attempt at preserving my dignity. training was ok after that i guess, guess the excitement is running high as selection slowly boils down. [note to self: continue training hard, goodjob thus far (winks to self). had training, during training heard jianying telling me dylan is here and zhi telling me lol is here, couldnt see them cause vision blurry. added note, dylan laughed at nyen for missing a one on zero HAHA. shit hope they'll never be around when im on my bad days. all the same, excited that might friends might watch me play. went for supper with them, food was honestly not very good but company was good so its fine.

gawdddd was that boring. and a little hi to my top stalker, im going to have lunch with tracy and isabelle tomorrow and you arent allowed to ask me about it ^^











its about the only reason i hate summer and love school days.its also prob the reason why i'll try to stretch my number of school days

This is fucking absurd. I can't nap properly I can't eat properly and I most probably can't do weights probably, not when it's in this state. But I'm too fucking proud sometimes too I guess

This is worse than pocky. I know it's bad for me but I can't stop

godddddd im becoming such a slob this summer. to the point i let autocorrect mistakes slide on purpose.omg this just reminds me of that time, but i can forsee it heading to a worse direction already.

Are you fucking kidding me. I helped the
Shopkeeper translate for a customer, donated money, gave up seat to blind man and thennnnn my earphones spoil wtf

its pretty damn crazy. its just so pretty damn crazy. the pretty one and the damn crazy one.

Omg training these weeks have really been crazy. I'm tired like hell but somehow I'm thankful I have training. This full body ache everyday really keeps me
Off unnecessary thoughts. It's like the only escape I've ever had from the realities of life. Another half a year to go! Persevere

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk this is so screwed up

i dont wanna run away but i cant take it i dont understand
if im not made for you then why does my heart tells me that i am
is there anyway i can stay in your arms

as much as i think that polo is more or less life to me, i cant help but draw certain similarities between this and polo. its long torturous and arduous but totally voluntary. the harder we hold on to it the harder it is to let go of it. it can never be perfect. and we put all our hearts into it

Professionalism. how much are we willing to give up and how much we are willing to give in is two very different things but somehow it gets mixed up quite abit sometimes. I know I'm willing to give in everything I have but am I willing to give up everything I have. I'm not afraid of working hard but I'm so afraid of sacrificing even more.

Why do we play. Everyone has a reason, sea games. Asian games. Prestige. Bragging rights or whatever the fuck. As much as I care about the glory that comes along, I am driven by this never ending pursuit for perfection. I cannot stand not knowing I'm imperfect in areas without doing anything about it. Is it possible for all these different goals to coincide. I really do hope so

And what Sammo said today really struck me. One particular part. Go back to the days when you first started polo, when you would spend endless hours picking up your skills. Go back to then and you will never go wrong. Despite how other people are, deep down i feel like I am
Still that kid, just with greater abilities, ego and ambition

its bad to be a selfish player, one that always takes the shot. but its different when you score the shots you take. if i have to be a selfish player, i better be a darn good one

as an occasional side note, i realize sometimes why im so drawn into polo. apart from simply loving the sport, i realize it might be my means of salvation. to make up for every other part of this life ive screwed up, i try to be my best at one part of it. to remind myself of a purpose that i wake up for everyday and that i am not a complete fuck up. love, salvation, and maybe even distraction. to draw my thoughts from every other shitty parts of my life. it might be just a sport to some, but its a way of life for others

Dreams that dragged out memories from the pits of the mind