Feels like it's slowly slipping away everyday. And it's not even because I'm not trying. The harder I try the more slippery it becomes. There are days when I used to relish this challenge but it does gets demoralizing sometimes.

And it's really true we can't expect of others what we expect ourselves to be able to do. Because forgiving is so easy 

Really really feeling like shit about this too. Trying your best isn't enough. Only those you care about know how to hurt you best 

Really really feeling like shit about this too. Trying your best isn't enough. Only those you care about know how to hurt you best 

Same thing punch you right in the fucking face. Wow .. Wow... That is really ironical considering what I've been through 

Hate the nights. It's when they hit so fuckjng bad. Allergic to unanswered phonecalls because they are the premonition to bad stuff

Argh damn frustrated. Something really wrong with my shooting but it's hard to identify 

The void the void. Before it overwhelms 

Some things. I'll never understand. Just gotta hide in my void. I play polo best there 

I really believe that there is this special void in everybody where they will have to go to to survive. A void with totally no emotions because the emotions might just kill them. It takes something special to trigger someone's entry into the

Void. But maybe once you enter the void, you might not be able leave it completely again 

Masquerade. Paper faces on display

How 

This is the last time I'll be a pushover 

The only constant in life is polo isn't it. I'm still happiest in the pool. Please don't change that ever

Hurts the most when people you care about most lie. Fuck them.

Another competition passed, another competiton older. No longer under 23 anymore. Looking back, it's been quite a journey and as sadistic as it sounds, every minute of this torturous life, I enjoyed it. I really have no regrets about it, probably the only regret is that I didn't start earlier hah. 

Lost count of it but been changing bags pretty frequently these two three years, ok frequently to me, someone who before that, used the same bag with a giant hole for 4 years straight. But that was the bag that really filled me with memories, it was the bag that I shared with the closest people I have in my life, the bag that's been to competition, to school, to army and to ever hellhole within those 4 years. Never really thought I would have changed it but it's really getting worn out and it was something that was going to happen sooner or later, in that case, way way later considering the shitty condition it was in. Then it was the red one that saw me through the first year of my uni, the Asian champs bag, it's seen a lot too, but probably a year of my life I was most confused with. Then it was the black orange backpack from Kuwait. My first backpack from the national team, something I yearned for since I was around 16 or 17. Monumental moment really, might not have been really eutrophic when I got it but hell I was proud of it and satisfied as hell. Plus black and orange might seem funny at first but it really really grew on me and I super super loved it. It accompanied me through a really transitional period of my life, from confused to luckily in love now, from junior to senior and from. Then the new bag I just got a week ago, the red and white backpack. Can't say it's grown on me yet but yes it helps that it's the exact same design and if I close my eyes I prob can't tell a difference. But I guess this bag also meant a new phase of my life to me. My first time holding a leadership position for the country (u23 but still I'm happy with it), a stable rs that I actually see a future in (something new too) and a new determination in life as I really start heading into adulthood. This bag just feels like it's going to see me through great things to come and possibly, happier, much happier days. 

Point is, guess these bags all represent a different phase of my life. Each key chain, each lucky charm, each scratch, each mark are all memories. And only those I really treasure, I bring on to the next bag because they are memories that I hold dear even to my next phase. Of course I treasure others all the same but some memories are really meant to belong in another phase of our lives.

And I just dedicated one whole post to bags. Omg I'm turning into a girl

Looking forward to it too but I can't be selfish 

Had a great mid week break but back to the grind now sigh. Grindddddd grinddddd grinddddddd

I wanna trust. I wanna believe. I wanna have faith too. Help me

Guess when we are angry, everything goes out the window eh. Fucking stupid of me to set the alarm at 4,5 and 6. Truly the person who cares less wins

Fuck this

So angry about it but so helpless. There's really no one to direct this anger, frustration and unfairness at but obviously I want to direct it at somebody. We have been training so hard for it, the boys especially. For me training hard has always been a year round thing but the boys were looking forward so much to it, it's just unfair. Over these months, I've slowly and steadily gained so much trust and so much pride in them as they grow every training. Sigh. And with this I guess I bow out of the last semblance of youth waterpolo. Ready to take on the world now.

I really don't understand... Ok that's an understatement. I despise those people with the talent to become truly great who treats their talent as a god given right to put in less effort. Everyone had a responsibility to utilize what they are given to the best potential, not doing so is like mocking those who try everyday of their lives but still cannot break this physical barrier. I cannot deny that I am proud of where I am today considering my physical limitations, but I want to be more than that. I will be more than that. I want to show that greatness is achievable as long as there is hardwork,if I cannot convince those with talent to work to their best, I will show it to them. I want to champion those who are not physically blessed from today onwards.

 A dropout will beat a genius through hard work. -Rock Lee,20something(many many years ago)

When you're leaving in anger and all the person is worried about is you making too much noise. You know where you stand.

I keep telling myself I won't shed another tear because of you. But like my new year resolutions. Epic fail